As many of you know, for the last three months I have been suffering with an ailment. An all encompassing, soul destroying, ailment. I've had three months of tears, tantrums and vomit. Oh the vomit.
With each day that passes I think, 'Maybe this is it, the day I am finally healed', but so far that day hasn't materialised. As much as the physical pain, the emotional pain of feeling useless and worthless begins to eat you up. I can't go to clubs, I can't walk long distances, I can't sit up for long periods of time.
Then these feelings lead to panic. What if this is now my life forever? What if this is just the beginning and I will now forever dislocate all my joints? I'm a very stoic person but the reality of the situation is very real.
The Paralympics showed all you able bodied people what we can do. I sat and watched.. and cried. I was so proud of them, but yet hearing how brave/amazing/inspiring these people were made me realise that if this gets worse as I get older, I don't think I'll cope very well with people patting me on the head telling me how brave I am.
With the advances in surgeries and treatments there is hope of fending off the inevitable. Hopefully in time the pain will fade, the scars will heal and I can live a relatively normal life. I genuiny can't even remember what it's like to have a fully functioning body, having spent half my life in a living hell. So as you put on your clothes tomorrow, pain free, spare a thought for people less fortunate than you.
Thursday 3 January 2013
Thursday 10 May 2012
Why I Support Obama
Yesterday Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage. As the first sitting president to ever declare this, it is a huge step forward. As many people know there is a huge backlash against the issue in America, especially amongst Christians who view the issue to be controversial and against their beliefs. For many Christians the issue of homosexuality is still not something that they are ready to accept, which to me as a Christian is something I find hard to accept.
I am in no way going to deny that in the Bible it does not say that homosexuality should not be practiced as that would be a lie, but it is not the main message of the religious text. As a Christian you are taught that love and respect for others is just as important as many other issues. People who have no religious beliefs are also taught this but it seems that Christians find it a lot harder to remember this message. I have been raised in a religious household my entire life and I have found that it has enriched me, but I have been very lucky that my Baptist mother has willed me to believe in what I want to believe.
I once asked my mum if civil partnerships in the UK bothered her at all to which she replied, "It doesn't effect my life. I'd much rather people were happy than sad". A simple statement but one which I wish that many other Christians would come to accept. I would not say I am a highly practicing Christian (I don't like going to church) but I do let my religion guide me in certain situations. It gives me comfort and supports me when I'm feeling lost. For the hardcore Christian right in America, I think they have lost their way. They focus so much on hate that they have forgotten what love is.
People are criticising Obama for supporting gay marriage when he himself is a Christian. I'm sure as a Christian though he no longer condones stoning and cutting off the hands of those who steal. I have found that I pick and choose which parts of the Bible I wish to adhere to, as times have changed since the era of BC and if religion cannot move forward then it will lose it's place in society. I wish that more of those people in America who spend so much time and money making other people's lives a misery eventually remember what the main message of the Bible is: love. If they think that homosexuality is a sin, then I hope that they have never ever sinned in their life...
I am in no way going to deny that in the Bible it does not say that homosexuality should not be practiced as that would be a lie, but it is not the main message of the religious text. As a Christian you are taught that love and respect for others is just as important as many other issues. People who have no religious beliefs are also taught this but it seems that Christians find it a lot harder to remember this message. I have been raised in a religious household my entire life and I have found that it has enriched me, but I have been very lucky that my Baptist mother has willed me to believe in what I want to believe.
I once asked my mum if civil partnerships in the UK bothered her at all to which she replied, "It doesn't effect my life. I'd much rather people were happy than sad". A simple statement but one which I wish that many other Christians would come to accept. I would not say I am a highly practicing Christian (I don't like going to church) but I do let my religion guide me in certain situations. It gives me comfort and supports me when I'm feeling lost. For the hardcore Christian right in America, I think they have lost their way. They focus so much on hate that they have forgotten what love is.
People are criticising Obama for supporting gay marriage when he himself is a Christian. I'm sure as a Christian though he no longer condones stoning and cutting off the hands of those who steal. I have found that I pick and choose which parts of the Bible I wish to adhere to, as times have changed since the era of BC and if religion cannot move forward then it will lose it's place in society. I wish that more of those people in America who spend so much time and money making other people's lives a misery eventually remember what the main message of the Bible is: love. If they think that homosexuality is a sin, then I hope that they have never ever sinned in their life...
- "If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For
anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God,
whom he has not seen."
- 1 John 4:20
Sunday 20 March 2011
Something
Poetry is not my forte, and I am rarely grabbed by the words of a poem. I do however find a lot of meaning from song lyrics, which to me are a modern form of this ancient art.
I believe some songs if written out like a poem sound just as beautiful as when you hear them with the music. Something by The Beatles, written by George Harrison, is for me one of the single most beautiful love songs ever written, a view that was also shared by Frank Sinatra. The words are so passionate, yet so tender. This is a song you could fall in love to, but at the same time question how scary it is to fall in love with somebody (it is bloody terrifying).
Music is my poetry, and I look to lyrics for guidance and support, the way others may look to novels and poems. This, in my opinion, is my favourite lyrical poem:
Something in the way she moves,
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
Somewhere in her smile she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her style that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
You're asking me will my love grow,
I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around, and it may show,
But I don't know, I don't know.
Something in the way she knows,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she shows me.
I don't want to leave her now.
You know I believe and how.
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
Somewhere in her smile she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her style that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
You're asking me will my love grow,
I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around, and it may show,
But I don't know, I don't know.
Something in the way she knows,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she shows me.
I don't want to leave her now.
You know I believe and how.
Stooshe - Fuck Me
This song has been stuck in my head for about 2 days now and I love it, despite it being both filthy and slightly rubbish all at the same time.
This is definitely a way for a new girl band to get noticed. There is a clean version called 'Love Me' which simply replaces the word 'fuck' with 'love', yet leaves all the other sexually explicit lyrics in. Brilliant.
Friendship Bi-Polar
I have recently been thinking about life, people, and just generally having a think (it severely hurt my brain). I came to the realisation that some people can both help and hinder your life. There are a number of people that I know who both bring me intense happiness, but also make me feel so incredibly sad. I have come to call this phenomena 'friendship bi-polar'.
Friendship bi-polar is an odd experience. You have these friends who you can't let go from your life even though they have the ability to ruin it on a daily basis. They are like a drug you can't stop taking. You feel that if you let this person go you are losing a part of yourself. But why can you not stop being friends with this person? If, like me, you can make friends fairly easily, losing one friend isn't too big a deal. But yet these friends have a constant grip on you and you find it impossible to leave. It's like mental abuse where when it's someone else you are sat screaming 'WHY ARE YOU NOT LEAVING THEM'.
If, like I have previously, you get away from one of these friends, make the break and cut all ties, you are left with this empty space, but one that leaves you a lot happier than you were before. It is always weighing up the good and the bad in these friends, and seeing if making your life partially miserable is worth it, or if you'd rather be miserable that they are no longer in your life.
I have suffered from friendship bi-polar since I have been about 10 years old. I am not sure how I attract these friends, but once I let them in I find it so very hard to let them go, despite the effects they have on my mental capacity and my health. I almost find sometimes that if some form of friendship rehab was available I would be there in a shot. Taking a complete break from the world and the people who confuse you on a daily basis and make your life miserable and agitated.
Most people are probably wondering why if I am thinking and complaining about people why I am friends with them still, but it is not that simple. I physically can't stop myself, and sometimes I'd rather be with someone who makes me sad than not have them in my life at all. I guess I will be suffering from friendship bi-polar for a number of years to come.
Friendship bi-polar is an odd experience. You have these friends who you can't let go from your life even though they have the ability to ruin it on a daily basis. They are like a drug you can't stop taking. You feel that if you let this person go you are losing a part of yourself. But why can you not stop being friends with this person? If, like me, you can make friends fairly easily, losing one friend isn't too big a deal. But yet these friends have a constant grip on you and you find it impossible to leave. It's like mental abuse where when it's someone else you are sat screaming 'WHY ARE YOU NOT LEAVING THEM'.
If, like I have previously, you get away from one of these friends, make the break and cut all ties, you are left with this empty space, but one that leaves you a lot happier than you were before. It is always weighing up the good and the bad in these friends, and seeing if making your life partially miserable is worth it, or if you'd rather be miserable that they are no longer in your life.
I have suffered from friendship bi-polar since I have been about 10 years old. I am not sure how I attract these friends, but once I let them in I find it so very hard to let them go, despite the effects they have on my mental capacity and my health. I almost find sometimes that if some form of friendship rehab was available I would be there in a shot. Taking a complete break from the world and the people who confuse you on a daily basis and make your life miserable and agitated.
Most people are probably wondering why if I am thinking and complaining about people why I am friends with them still, but it is not that simple. I physically can't stop myself, and sometimes I'd rather be with someone who makes me sad than not have them in my life at all. I guess I will be suffering from friendship bi-polar for a number of years to come.
Thursday 3 March 2011
Scenes From A Teenage Killing
Last night I watched a documentary on BBC3 called Scenes From a Teenage Killing. One word: wow.
The documentary lists every teenager murdered or killed in a violent way in 2009. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Throughout the programme the viewer meets a number of the families of those who have been killed, and get an insight into how the family copes after such a tragic event. One family in particular just broke my heart. David Cox was 18 and suffered from autism and who had the mental age of an eight year old. His parents had recently moved from a less than desirable area of Leicester to a nicer part of Doncaster, but it was to be here that David was killed. He was walking home with his family when he got in an altercation with some boys who punched him and knocked him to the ground. This was enough to take David's life. Gone in a moment of madness. The boys involved calmly walked away and left his family to deal with the death of their beloved son.
In the documentary you can see that his father Clive's heart is completely broken and he is not coping at all with what has happened. His wife Heidi is trying to hold the family together and the strain being put on their relationship is obvious to see. Life will never be nice or normal for this family ever again due to the stupidity of those boys involved.
The programme did not only focus on the murder of boys involved in some kind of 'gang' related incident. It also looked at the murder of Jessica McCagh who was murdered by her boyfriend after having petrol poured on her and then being set alight. It is still not clear why he murdered her, but in one last moment of degrading behaviour he held their bedroom door shut so she could not escape. Viewers get to meet her father, Garry. He was the last person to see her alive and tells of the last words his daughter said to him which were, ‘I don’t want to die, Dad'. Garry still has flashbacks of that night and has turned to drink to help him cope with his loss, which then has a knock on effect to the rest of his family who although physically present, appear to have lost their father as well.
This documentary was so thought provoking and moving. I had tears in my eyes throughout, mainly just through seeing the profound strength that the families had after their child/brother/daughter had been murdered. Many of these killings were pointless. Some were over a lack of respect, some were random, some were pre-meditated, but each was equally just as horrible as the last. The families involved were so brave to allow cameras in at such a horrific time in their lives, but many did so to hopefully stop such senseless killings from happening again.
Heartbreaking, but powerful stuff.
The documentary lists every teenager murdered or killed in a violent way in 2009. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Throughout the programme the viewer meets a number of the families of those who have been killed, and get an insight into how the family copes after such a tragic event. One family in particular just broke my heart. David Cox was 18 and suffered from autism and who had the mental age of an eight year old. His parents had recently moved from a less than desirable area of Leicester to a nicer part of Doncaster, but it was to be here that David was killed. He was walking home with his family when he got in an altercation with some boys who punched him and knocked him to the ground. This was enough to take David's life. Gone in a moment of madness. The boys involved calmly walked away and left his family to deal with the death of their beloved son.
In the documentary you can see that his father Clive's heart is completely broken and he is not coping at all with what has happened. His wife Heidi is trying to hold the family together and the strain being put on their relationship is obvious to see. Life will never be nice or normal for this family ever again due to the stupidity of those boys involved.
The programme did not only focus on the murder of boys involved in some kind of 'gang' related incident. It also looked at the murder of Jessica McCagh who was murdered by her boyfriend after having petrol poured on her and then being set alight. It is still not clear why he murdered her, but in one last moment of degrading behaviour he held their bedroom door shut so she could not escape. Viewers get to meet her father, Garry. He was the last person to see her alive and tells of the last words his daughter said to him which were, ‘I don’t want to die, Dad'. Garry still has flashbacks of that night and has turned to drink to help him cope with his loss, which then has a knock on effect to the rest of his family who although physically present, appear to have lost their father as well.
This documentary was so thought provoking and moving. I had tears in my eyes throughout, mainly just through seeing the profound strength that the families had after their child/brother/daughter had been murdered. Many of these killings were pointless. Some were over a lack of respect, some were random, some were pre-meditated, but each was equally just as horrible as the last. The families involved were so brave to allow cameras in at such a horrific time in their lives, but many did so to hopefully stop such senseless killings from happening again.
Heartbreaking, but powerful stuff.
Monday 28 February 2011
Forgotten Music
After a complete phone memory card malfunction the other week which resulted in me losing all my music from my phone, I had the arduous task of putting all the music back on there. It took a very long time of searching through my external hard drive judging which music was good enough to grace my phone, but it was also entirely worth the time and effort.
My external hard drive is probably not used by me as much as it should be even though the phrase, 'Yep, completely backed everything up...' runs off my lips more times than it should due to sheer embarrassment. Anyway, I digress. The great thing about my external hard drive is it contains hundreds of songs that I had downloaded or copied on to my dad's computer when I was about 15. Going through the hard drive I discovered songs that I completely forgot existed, songs which at the time were probably my favourite songs, in the world, ever.
This is one of the joys of the digital music age. You can have song that lies dormant for years then find it on some old device and fall in love all over again. Over the last few days I have been enjoying the sounds of Milburn, The Rapture, The Bravery, The Departure and all the other bands who I adored when I was 16 (to my shame I also found LMC and U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above. We can't all be musically perfect)
So I thought I would share with you some of my forgotten youth, the music that shaped how I am today, and also probably annoyed my mum a great deal due to it always being played on repeat.
Enjoy!
My external hard drive is probably not used by me as much as it should be even though the phrase, 'Yep, completely backed everything up...' runs off my lips more times than it should due to sheer embarrassment. Anyway, I digress. The great thing about my external hard drive is it contains hundreds of songs that I had downloaded or copied on to my dad's computer when I was about 15. Going through the hard drive I discovered songs that I completely forgot existed, songs which at the time were probably my favourite songs, in the world, ever.
This is one of the joys of the digital music age. You can have song that lies dormant for years then find it on some old device and fall in love all over again. Over the last few days I have been enjoying the sounds of Milburn, The Rapture, The Bravery, The Departure and all the other bands who I adored when I was 16 (to my shame I also found LMC and U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above. We can't all be musically perfect)
So I thought I would share with you some of my forgotten youth, the music that shaped how I am today, and also probably annoyed my mum a great deal due to it always being played on repeat.
Enjoy!
The Bravery - Honest Mistake
Milburn - Lipstick Lickin'
The Departure - Be My Enemy
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